Breaking for gherkins

I am taking a short break, staying with my friend Tidyup in the land of Doasyouretold. I will be back and posting webcomic/limerick fun in the middle of next week, but until then, remember to Eat Your Greens, Wash Your Face, and most importantly, Don't Do That.

Comic 1113 - Killed In Action

There was a cop from Cambridgeshire
With one day to go to retire.
It ended v badly,
As later was sadly
Reported by George Alagiah.

Original comic here.

Comic 1112 - Think Logically

The logic in which you take pride
Is not an infallible guide.
It's rarely enough
Cause you need to know stuff
Before you can rightly decide.

Original comic here.

Comic 1111 - Premiere

There once was a man from Bolivia
Who cared not for flim-flam or trivia
He'd only one thought:
Earth's eventual mort
That sensible man from Bolivia.

Original comic here.

Comic 1110 - Click and Drag

Any print comic you care to name
Is limited by its own frame
But webcomics ain’t
Subject to that constraint;
I wish limericks could do the same, but they are governed by quite rigid rules about line length, scantion and rhyme scheme which can’t really be broken without compromising the integrity of the piece. If you want an impossibly tall tower, or a balloon ride, or a warren of underground tunnels, you can't just extend the format to include them - you either have to find a way to work them into the syllables available, or leave it for another time. If I had the space, I could write about rainbows playing hide and seek in the spray from waterfalls tumbling into forest pools, or playful mole-eating kobolds tapping secrets into your dreams by night. I could zoom out to reveal a beachy shoreline stretching hundreds of miles in one direction, and mysterious crags disappearing away in the other, and every cave would be home to sad, pale, blinking eyes, and every grain of sand would be the key to another universe. Inland, people would be working and talking and playing and relaxing and arguing and making up again, all those things that people do, and some of them would write their own poetry too, each of which could be as endless as mine around them, and richer and more full of delights, and some would actually rhyme properly and contain original metaphors. And as the seasons changed and the world spun around, the limerick would go on and on and on, turning corners and throwing up bumps in the road and bursting out into splashes of colour at the most unexpected times. But I can't do any of that - or at least not all at once. I recognise the limitations of my chosen form, on paper, online, or anywhere, and they must be observed. Sometimes the best that can be hoped is to raise a single half-smile, sometimes there might be more, sometimes an idea might crystallise and stay in your head for some while. Sometimes the poem will be forgotten as soon as it's read, or not even finished. The writer's job is to make a virtue of constraint, just as the artist uses the picture frame as an essential part of the composition. But it's only natural to yearn, occasionally, to step outside the frame and frolic in the fields beyond.

Original comic here.

Comic 1109 - Refrigerator

At midnight, a goblin armada
Creeps silently into my larder
To turn food once delicious
To dangerous dishes
That would scare Don Alonso Quesada.

Original comic here.

Comic 1108 - Cautionary Ghost

The “literally” misuse brigade
Must be met head on, fought and allayed
Or else just ignore ’em
And keep your decorum
For all the attention you’re paid.

Original comic here.

Comic 1107 - Sports Cheat Sheet

At any time of the sports year
I can wear the right shirt, and drink beer
But it's all just a token
The spell will be broken
The second I'm spoken to, dear.

Original comic here.

This one's written very much in character - I love sport, dear. And I know loads about it, honey pie.

Comic 1106 - ADD

All those things I was meaning to do
Slipped my grip, caught the wind and then flew.
I watch them disappear
In the ionosphere
Like balloons of He or H₂.

Original comic here.

Novelty hydrogen balloons are for those of us who live in alternate reality, "steampunk" type universes. Philip Pullman and all that.

Comic 1105 - License Plate

Any caper you care to devise
With a car reg of just 1s and Is
Is a futile endeavour
For though it seems clever
It's really not ever so wise.

Original comic here.

Comic 1104 - Feathers

Dinosaurs used to be brillo
When they were smooth like armadillo.
These feathers are weird,
Though if they reappeared
I'd love me a dinosaur pillow.

Original comic here.

Comic 1103 - Nine

Whether fitness fanatic or glutton,
Neglect not your number 9 button.
Take one second away
On your micro-display
And --ping!-- poor 9 won't be forgotten.

Original comic here.

Comic 1102 - Fastest-Growing

Your religion’s the world’s fastest growing?
That’s got to be something worth knowing.
Hang on – it sounds ample
But how big’s the sample?
Excuse me, I’ve got to be going.

Original comic here.