Comic 1113 - Killed In Action

There was a cop from Cambridgeshire
With one day to go to retire.
It ended v badly,
As later was sadly
Reported by George Alagiah.

Original comic here.

Comic 1112 - Think Logically

The logic in which you take pride
Is not an infallible guide.
It's rarely enough
Cause you need to know stuff
Before you can rightly decide.

Original comic here.

Comic 1105 - License Plate

Any caper you care to devise
With a car reg of just 1s and Is
Is a futile endeavour
For though it seems clever
It's really not ever so wise.

Original comic here.

Comic 1097 - A Hypochondriac's Nightmare

While being sucked into the jet
Yvette became struck with regret.
All that stress and alarm
For a rash on her arm
Which was hardly a comparable threat.

Original comic here.

Comic 1088 - Five Years

“Where d’you see yourself in five years, scout?”
As if you were in any doubt
DON’T sit in the chair
And awkwardly stare
Staying there as you wait to find out.

Original comic here.

The great post-Olympic catch-up begins. It's a marathon, not a sprint. But I intend to sprint the entire marathon.

Comic 1086 - Eyelash Wish Log

One starts dabbling with recursive wishes
And the meta-ness seems quite delicious
But that old jobsworth djinn
Just will not let you win
And you'll wish you'd not been so ambitious.

That's for the main theme of the comic, but the line about banishing TV show bores into their own obsessions ought not to be overlooked:

The next time an eyelash slides out
I shall wish for the magical clout
To banish those bros
Who go on about shows
To the shows that they go on about.

Original comic here.

Comic 1076 - Groundhog Day

There once was a salesman named Ned
Who saw an old schoolfriend and said:
“As sure as heckfire, son,
You’re Phil! I’m Ned Ryerson!”
Bing! He got punched in the head.

Original comic here.

Comic 1075 - Warning

Whether SUV, compact or coupe,
You're in, with the rest of your group,
A tin box proceeding
At speeds far exceeding
What nature intended. Poop! Poop!

Original comic here.

Comic 1073 - Weekend

There once was a man from Muscaturday
Who wished every day could be Saturday.
Then his boiler broke – bummer!
He needed a plumber
And they all charged him double. Oh, draturday.

Original comic here.

Comic 1066 - Laundry

Whether frat-boy, footballer or swot,
Your laundry will soon go to pot.
One day you stop folding,
The next, clothes a-moulding
All over the floor in the grot.

Original comic here.

Comic 1063 - Kill Hitler

Kill Hitler? Ach ja, that sounds great,
But you need to attend to the date.
If you shoot Herr H deady
When the world has already
Had the war, then you're just a bit late.

Original comic here.

Comic 1028 - Communication

There once was an old man from Seoul
Who made safety his number one goal.
Going out day or night
His eyes glanced left and right
But one day, he fell in a hole.

Original comic here.

How inapt that the comic is entitled "Communication", but I don't really understand what is happening. Not to worry, as I never fail to enjoy people falling down holes.

Comic 1027 - Pickup Artist

This kid's trick to pick a fit chick up
Hit into something of a hiccup.
The girl he was negging
Negged back, over-egging
It so much she shrivelled his dick up.

Original comic here.

Based on the one magazine article I read about these "pickup artists" a few years ago, I shan't be adding the "romance" tag to this post.

Comic 1023 - Late-Night PBS

Whether medium, skinny or flabby,
Don't doze off during Downton Abbey.
Late-night PBS
Causes nothing but stress
And you'll wake well-informed, scared and crabby.

Original comic here.

Comic 1016 - Valentine Dilemma

When choosing your Valentine's trinket
If she can eat, wear, smell or drink it
You're sure to enjoy
Heavy petting ahoy,
But you're shafted if you overthink it.

Original comic here.

Comic 1015 - Kerning

If there's one thing that isn't worth learning
It's how to spot terrible kerning.
Wherever you travel
You'll see it, unravel,
And claw the air, frothing and gurning.

Original comic here.

Comic 1008 - Suckville

There once was an old man from Suckville
Whose doctor made him grow a duck bill.
He said, “I don’t believe
What these quacks can achieve,
And I’m damned if I know who the fuck will.”

Original comic here.

Comic 1003 - Adam and Eve

There once was a shepherd named Abel
Who brought spicy lamb to God's table
But Cain's fruit and grain
Were offered in vain
Which rendered him somewhat unstable.

Scythe in hand, poor Cain's madness grew deeper
Till he acted as Abel's grim reaper!
The God of this fable
Said "Hey Cain, where's Abel?"
Cain said, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

But God knew where Abel lay bleedin'
And Cain saw His favours recedin'.
So he fled from his God
To the oddly-named Nod
Which you'll find somewhere eastwards of Eden.

Original comic here, not that it has much to do with the limericks this time round.

Comic 986 - Drinking Fountains

Outside of the WC
Is no place for a cooler to be.
If you once take a drink
Without stopping to think
You'll be stuck for all eternity.

Original comic here.