Comic 1146 - Honest

When people ask you to be honest
Their countenance will go the wanest
If their rash desire
Should find a complier;
It’s what no one wants, to be honest.

Original comic here.

Comic 1126 - Epsilon and Zeta

The zero-five hurricane season
Just went on and on for no reason.
Epsilon and zeta,
Expected to peter
Out, had some fun getting their tease on.

Original comic here.

Comic 1122 - Electoral Precedent

In a move reminiscent of Motson
Today’s pundits come up with lots’n
Lots of cute unbroken
Streaks, but by that token
They’re rather less Holmes and more Watson.

Original comic here.

Comic 1120 - Blurring the Line

A poem’s a pert piece of cake
That’s ever so much fun to make.
They always taste better for
Sprinklings of metaphor—
Give that salt cellar a shake!

Original comic here.

Comic 1108 - Cautionary Ghost

The “literally” misuse brigade
Must be met head on, fought and allayed
Or else just ignore ’em
And keep your decorum
For all the attention you’re paid.

Original comic here.

Comic 1083 - Writing Styles

Your erudite screed on Ron Paul
Doesn’t make you sound grown-up at all
Bt if U wrt N txt spk
I'll swear until next week
You were at the Inaugural Ball.

Original comic here.

Comic 1055 - Kickstarter

Kickstarter's no longer a cash cow –
It's all got to be much more flash now.
So it'd be great
If you'd all please donate
To help set up a pitch with panache. Ciao!

Original comic here.

Comic 1040 - Lakes and Oceans

Lakes: dredging most any you like'll
Turn up some old junk to recycle
But unless you've a net
2K long, I'd forget
About getting stuff out of Lake Baikal.

Original comic here.

I had no idea Baikal was so much deeper than other lakes. Interesting about the Lusitania sinking in water shallower than the ship was long, too.

Comic 1032 - Networking

If you're looking to ramp up your whizzness
– Your I’ll-tell-you-all-how-it-is-ness –
It’s not all that hard.
Put your name on a card
And hey presto, you now work in business.

Original comic here.

Comic 1031 - s/Keyboard/Leopard

From LA to the Eastern Seaboard
We all wish we had a pet keyboard.
You'll be in no jeopardy
As you tap at your leopard-y,
So long as you've had the beast de-clawed.

Original comic here.

Comic 1030 - Keyed

It's over? I'll deface your car
In a fashion that's frankly bizarre.
Whichever type be it,
Ferrari or Fiat,
I'll key it, you'll see from afar.

Original comic here.

Comic 1016 - Valentine Dilemma

When choosing your Valentine's trinket
If she can eat, wear, smell or drink it
You're sure to enjoy
Heavy petting ahoy,
But you're shafted if you overthink it.

Original comic here.

Classic comic 590 - Papyrus

That maddening typeface, Papyrus!
There's nothing more certain to tire us.
It's used with a smile
But you look infantile,
Like some fan of Bieber or Cyrus.

Original comic here.

A classic comic for a Friday morning, while we're on the subject of typography.

Comic 1011 - Baby Names

There was a girl from Southend-on-Sea
Whose proud father christened her “Ponzi”.
But the name he enjoyed
Only got her annoyed—
She wished she were a boy, like Beyoncé.

Original comic here.

You have to put the stress in "Southend-on-Sea" on the syllable "on". Can you do that for me?

Plus: I seem to be flooding the site with limericks at the moment, but no matter. Here is some more, celebrity-based, BONUS CONTENT:

There was a chanteuse named Beyoncé
Who became a top rapper's fiancee.
So streetwise Shawn Carter
Is now the proud father
Of baby Blue Ivy. Bit poncey?

Comic 1008 - Suckville

There once was an old man from Suckville
Whose doctor made him grow a duck bill.
He said, “I don’t believe
What these quacks can achieve,
And I’m damned if I know who the fuck will.”

Original comic here.

Comic 1003 - Adam and Eve

There once was a shepherd named Abel
Who brought spicy lamb to God's table
But Cain's fruit and grain
Were offered in vain
Which rendered him somewhat unstable.

Scythe in hand, poor Cain's madness grew deeper
Till he acted as Abel's grim reaper!
The God of this fable
Said "Hey Cain, where's Abel?"
Cain said, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

But God knew where Abel lay bleedin'
And Cain saw His favours recedin'.
So he fled from his God
To the oddly-named Nod
Which you'll find somewhere eastwards of Eden.

Original comic here, not that it has much to do with the limericks this time round.

Comic 998 - 2012

The lot of the Mayans is rotten—
In a way, their world-end date is spot on.
Since while we’ll all hear
Plenty of them this year
They’ll then be completely forgotten.

Original comic here.

Comic 997 - Wait Wait

There was a broadcaster named Peter
Whose wife was attacked by a cheetah.
He looked on, aghast
As the big cat sped past
And wailed out "Wait Wait ... don't eat her!"

Original comic here.

Not having heard of him or his programme before, I do not know whether Peter Sagal actually has a wife. If so, this limerick ought not to be construed as a wish for Mrs Sagal to be the victim of an attack by an escaped zoo animal in real life. I wish only the best to the Sagal family (if there is one) in 2012.

Comic 993 - Brand Identity

The grocery shelves are a riot
That makes your eyes crave peace and quiet
So if there was some snackaging
In plain, simple packaging
You’d be fairly likely to buy it.

Original comic here.

Actually, KwikSave in the UK used to do almost exactly this with its 'No frills' line. It may still do, but there isn't one near me these days.

Comic 990 - Plastic Bags

They give you a bag for each item
Then double-bag, so bugs can't bite 'em
Then you buy a big bag
Which they bung in a bag
And on and on, ad infinitum.

Original comic here.

Needless to say, I have half-inched the rhymes from that other poem about the fleas.