Comic 1129 - Cell Number

A wannabe star in LA
Shamefacedly skipped town one day
And while he would claim
That he’d never sought fame
His cell number gave him away.

Original comic here.

Comic 1127 - Congress

Hasn't XKCD been political lately?

This fixation on US politics has been the reason behind my non-posting. Try as I might, I have nothing to say about the history of the US Senate and/or House of Representatives, whether as a limerick, short story, radio play, graphic novel or anything else.

Instead, I'm hoping you can accept a limerick I've written about the current hot-potato political issue that's got us all abuzz here in Britain. With that out of the way and the blockage cleared, I ought then to be able to catch up with the rest of them before too long. So, take it away Nadine.

There was an MP, Nadine Dorries
Who went to eat grubs in the forest.
Her scheme was hare-brained —
She should have remained
London-bound and got grubby with Boris.

Original comic here.

Comic 1125 - Objects In Mirror

When gazing past Milky Way stars
Or glancing behind you in cars
That object in view
May be Neptuney blue
Though it seems to be redder than Mars.

Original comic here.

Comic 1124 - Law of Drama

A bod with a light social touch
Will not think of drama that much
While people who hate it
And constantly state it
Create more than Starsky and Hutch.

Original comic here.

Bod? What's another one-syllable unisex word for a person?

Comic 1122 - Electoral Precedent

In a move reminiscent of Motson
Today’s pundits come up with lots’n
Lots of cute unbroken
Streaks, but by that token
They’re rather less Holmes and more Watson.

Original comic here.

Comic 1113 - Killed In Action

There was a cop from Cambridgeshire
With one day to go to retire.
It ended v badly,
As later was sadly
Reported by George Alagiah.

Original comic here.

Comic 1092 - Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps is a slippery phellow—
For all you might might gesture and bellow
He’ll zoom up and down
Any pool in your town
Till you go nuclear and use jello.

Original comic here.

Comic 1067 - Pressures

A patent clerk working in Bern
Left the whole world of science astern.
The result: a succession
Of clerks with depression
Cause they can’t do a similar turn.

Original comic here.

Comic 1063 - Kill Hitler

Kill Hitler? Ach ja, that sounds great,
But you need to attend to the date.
If you shoot Herr H deady
When the world has already
Had the war, then you're just a bit late.

Original comic here.

Comic 1059 - Bel Air

There was a fresh prince of Bel Air
Whose schemes drove his uncle Phil spare.
He also made tunes
And BOOM! shook the rooms
And he had really cool 90s hair.

Original comic here.

Comic 1044 - Romney Quiz

There once was a poor boy named Charlie
Who barely had two grains of barley
But a sweet lucky dip
Won a factory trip
That was straight out of Salvador Dali.

Original comic here.

Classic comic 590 - Papyrus

That maddening typeface, Papyrus!
There's nothing more certain to tire us.
It's used with a smile
But you look infantile,
Like some fan of Bieber or Cyrus.

Original comic here.

A classic comic for a Friday morning, while we're on the subject of typography.

Comic 1011 - Baby Names

There was a girl from Southend-on-Sea
Whose proud father christened her “Ponzi”.
But the name he enjoyed
Only got her annoyed—
She wished she were a boy, like Beyoncé.

Original comic here.

You have to put the stress in "Southend-on-Sea" on the syllable "on". Can you do that for me?

Plus: I seem to be flooding the site with limericks at the moment, but no matter. Here is some more, celebrity-based, BONUS CONTENT:

There was a chanteuse named Beyoncé
Who became a top rapper's fiancee.
So streetwise Shawn Carter
Is now the proud father
Of baby Blue Ivy. Bit poncey?

Comic 1009 - Sigh

Their music's unbearably shoddy
They're the modern-day Big Ears and Noddy
And when anyone sighs
Or rolls their tired eyes
They just bellow "Girl look at that body!"

They wear leopard-print tights and a blouse
They're avoided by listeners with nous
If you ask them to muffle
Their loud, daily shuffle
They just yell "Party rock in the house!"

Their hair, like their music, is shocking
They smell like a ten-year-old stocking
It's really pathetic
This faux-apologetic
New craze that they call party rocking.

Original comic here.

Non-comic 1005 - A SOPA protest

If it's censorship that you're protesting
Then don't use satirical jesting.
Steve Bell shocks and appals
With his cocks and his balls
But no comic at all's much the best thing.

I don't know much about SOPA, but if it's true that it will obliterate the entire internet, I am most certainly against it. Sadly I don't have the vote in the USA, so my view counts for very little.

Comic 1004 - Batman

If you were a young plutocrat
With a shedload of crime to combat
There's a chance (be it scanty)
You'd turn vigilante
But why do it dressed as a bat?

Original comic here.

First Charlie Brooker comes out against Batman, and now XKCD. Could Mr Wayne be losing his cachet? Who will betray him next? Albert Alfred? Simon Pegg?

Comic 999 - Cougars

There was a man from Chattanooga
Whose son was attacked by a cougar
But thanks to TV
He pinned it for 3
Much like former wrestler Lex Luger.

Original comic here.

The second big cat attack in the space of three posts. How peculiar.

Comic 997 - Wait Wait

There was a broadcaster named Peter
Whose wife was attacked by a cheetah.
He looked on, aghast
As the big cat sped past
And wailed out "Wait Wait ... don't eat her!"

Original comic here.

Not having heard of him or his programme before, I do not know whether Peter Sagal actually has a wife. If so, this limerick ought not to be construed as a wish for Mrs Sagal to be the victim of an attack by an escaped zoo animal in real life. I wish only the best to the Sagal family (if there is one) in 2012.

Comic 965 - Elements

There once was a man named Dmitri
Who said "No airbender can beat me!
I use with some elegance
All hundred-odd elements—
This table sets them out quite neatly."

Original comic here.

Here's some more Tinie Tempah-style half-rhyme. It's the future of the poet's favourite pastime. So don't race me or I'll leave you on the start line. You'll be silenced like a Paris boulevard mime.

Comic 950 - Mystery Solved

There once was a gal named Amelia
Who couldn't have been any steelier.
She flew round the Earth
But because of its girth
She only arrived last Tuesday.

Original comic here.

Am I "subverting the format" or can I just not think of a rhyme for Amelia? I leave it up to you, but I do think the non-rhyme emphasises the peculiar unexpectedness of this revelation.

I try not to do this kind of thing very often.